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I realized he's second hand smoke. It's something you don't really think about until all of a sudden you realize it's really killing you. I'm sitting face to face with loneliness. I just want to close my eyes and get out of this mess, wait did I see forever in him? I hope he never goes. Sitting there, just waiting. That's all I could have done, is wait. If there's one more kiss, I think it may kill me. High school is so dumb, two weeks from today is my last day, which I'm ready to end with. The past month has really affected me and it's made me open my eyes to myself and the people around me. It's like everything seems a-okay, but looking deep into it, it's really not. I want one passionate kiss before I leave for MSU. I want one kiss that it actually felt like he was kissing ME, not just trying something else. But, if everyone was how they acted, then the world would be so much different, after all, we all put up fronts and act a certain way around different people. That's what makes us, well us. We all have our flaws, I just can't see why each and every person can't just embrace them. I'm trying to learn love mine, and yes, I'll admit, it's extremely hard to accept that I'm not perfect, but I love being imperfect. I mean today one of my best friends stood me up for a girl that I do not care for, and even though I have said that I hate her...I can't say that, I don't know her. Her flaws are what made me dislike her, but how can I complain about someone judging me when they don't know me when I did the exact same thing to her? It's nice to see couples that are in high school think they really can spend the rest of their life with someone, even though they don't even know where they want to go to college yet. I mean, it must be nice. Having someone that you love that much that loves you that much more back. That's amazing. I really think that sometimes I'm just going to end up alone, and I've come to accept that and move on. I have no problem being myself. I mean we come into the world alone, and usually leave it alone, why not live it alone? That sounds depressing, even though I don't mean it to. He looks so good in blue. I melt every time he looks at me that way, it never fails, anytime, any place. I got to realize I'm still a kid, I have so much time to grow up. I mean I'm only 17--turning 18 in a couple months-- and I am going to a different place in a couple months and with a whole new croud of people, and I'll get away from this childish drama, I'll be away from these boys that I've grown accustom to treating me like I'm nothing. These little boys aren't what I want and so it's frustrating me that it's all I'm finding. With that one boy I was talking about earlier...I realized work and play don't mix the way we do. We can't mix it. I need to get out of this place, which I am doing tomorrow, but that's to a family thing and we all know those are full of forced affection. I want real affection. Real love. Real something. Now I feel like people are being close to me because I'm leaving so soon and I won't keep in touch with them probably, which is so sad. More forced//fake affection. People who don't know me, don't care, are telling me they love me and they "wanna chill before [I] leave". Bullshit. These same people have watched me fall to the ground in my hardest times. These people never understood what's going on in my life, or really never understood me. I know I'm a complex person, but no one really took the time to get to know me, especially in the past year. This year has been insane for me. I've really truly changed this year. I was driving home today and took the long way. I ended up in front of his house, and for some reason all I could do is cry. I've apologized for things he's done wrong, which is ridiculous. My whole feelings for him is utterly ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. I'm out of my fucking mind, yet I can't quite get rid of this. There's so much I have to confess and I still feel like there's no one to do that to. There's so much in my head and it's killing me. I had a great guy, a best friend of mine actually, who was willing to give me this awesome relationship and treat me like the queen he thinks I am, yet I said no, which was quite foolish on my behalf, and I'm starting to regret it. I just didn't want to force myself into something that didn't feel 100% right. Plus, I've seen the way he's treated other girls and talked about other girls and I refuse to be just another one of those girls. I just want to be his girl. I'd kill just to be his girl, even just for a night. I feel like I'm slowly decaying, and I don't feel like I belong. And I know I do belong, but it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right, except him! Oh Lord, I need help...Lord do I need help.
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